My heart's in it.

Ever had so much to do or so much good stuff in front of you that you didn't know where to start any more? That's how I feel. 

Everything just seems so messed up already that  I don't know where to start fixing. Things have just been nothing but a blur lately. Just thinking about all of it makes me wanna give up already. I don't feel like there's any hope left, although if this happened to another person, like say one of my friends, I'd cheer them up, encourage them, tell them there's always hope. But as always, it's easier said than done. 

You know, I never saw any of this coming? I never thought I'd seriously change my mind. Yeah, I've thought of the same thing before. I've had doubts about where I am now, if this is where I really wanna be. But not as much as I do now. Because now, I've made up my mind. And NO, it didn't happen overnight. It's not the kind of thing someone, especially me who thinks a lot would do; make a decision as big, to me at least, that fast. I admit I can be pretty spontaneous at times, and I don't apologize for being so, because I think there's more good to that than anything. But when it comes to stuff like this, I don't make spur of the moment decisions just because it's what I want at the moment. I think about the long term consequences and I weigh out the positives and negatives, and then I pick a side. That's how I do it, even though people don't see it sometimes. I think SO MUCH, more than the average person, I think. That's why it's hard for me to sleep at night, because I have all these thoughts rambling around in my head, and they just stay there to the point that I force myself not to think of anything any more just to be able to sleep. 

Believe me, I have thought, and thought, and thought some more about this, and as I said, my mind's made up. My heart's in it. What else do I need to do to get it?

Dad, this is the best time for you to help me, be here for me. I need this, and I won't regret this because now, there's nothing else I want more.

Thursday, 9 September 2010